for the moment

7/1

eliz28 | June 30, 2009 20:58

the depression only lasted a day which is a definite improvement. it is all always still there but i am not looking toward it anymore. instead i am looking toward a bright today and the possibilities of a life where i am healthy and positive. i am changing my interactions with my sister and focusing on her good qualities, it is making the living situation more pleasant.  i want to enjoy this time with my sisters because it is not going to last much longer and it is pretty special to be living with them at this time. 

my diet is good, no bingeing or purging!!! i am realistic about how this can change quickly so i am prepared and using the tools i have, such as prayer, meditation and exercise. the only problem is that i have been distended for the last 2 days and it is making consuming any food unbearable. i am uncomfortable. i think this means i have done some real damage to my stomach. i am not sure what is up but if it continues i will go to the doctor.

peace 

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6/27/09

eliz28 | June 27, 2009 08:05

today it hit me, the depression that has been slowly creeping up on me. it is getting harder again to hold it together.... WHEN WILL THIS END!!!!!!!!!! 

 my one sister and i are not getting along. i have to be honest, it is very much my fault. i let her get to me and i am harboring some unresolved anger and resentment toward her. i could go on about the things she is doing but i would rather not. i know i can only control how i behave and i am only concerned about my actions. i need to learn to relax and accept her for her... i know all these things but i am struggling to implement them. i hate to admit it but i do not enjoy being around her most of the time. the funny thing is, is that i am the one who is coming off like the immature b****.  i am so stressed... lonely and sad. i can not keep a clear head and a calm demeanor.

 i am in need of some love, some real affection which i do not get from anyone not even myself.  i think i wanted my sisters to be the answers to my problems. i wanted them to help take away some of my pain (i know this is silly). 

i feel so distant from everyone. i can not connect and there is a lack of warmth. i know my family cares but i don't feel it or see it. they are all busy. i am feeling needy but it is the same thing year after year just more pain builds and i lack the know how to shed it. my light is so dim. my littlest sister had no time to chat with me online tonight but she spent a long while with my other sister. this made me cry... i am sure it was many things but this set me off. i feel like i am the least loved. all this and my dad is sinking lower and lower. he has sent emails speaking of his death and how he hopes he goes soon, how he is collecting bottles for money and may live in the mountains in a tent. 

i ate 12 muffins tonight in a matter of 10 minutes... guess what happened next.

 i was not prepared to have to deal with so many things all at once. they just keep coming down and coming down on me. i think i am too much for my family to deal with. 

i feel like i am sinking and i don't know how to reach up and grab stable ground

i need to meditate 

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6/26/09

eliz28 | June 26, 2009 09:39

it has been some time since i was last on this site and i have missed it. i am doing well, better every day... keepin on keepin on:)

have yet to find the "perfect" diet. my food is sometimes messy but no serious binges in the last few weeks. still throwing up at least once a day from over eating at meals but again no serious episodes. so, this is progress and i have to be ok with that at this time. the best part is that i have not been severely depressed in a long while. i have acupuncture 3 times a week which is helping immensely. she is doing scalp acu and i have noticed a real difference in my mental state. not so much compulsion and sadness.  i think i have to work on the bad habit of eating just to eat, out of sheer boredom. i need to listen to my body and hear when i am really hungry and when i just want to indulge.  

having some issues with my one sister. i have no patients when i am around her.  i get snappy and even angry toward her.  there is some definite underlining jealousy issues, which i hate to admit and also some feelings of not liking some of the shadey things she does. also, she brings up the feelings i carry about my family situation. plus, she is a strong presence and in a way demands a lot of attention and energy which i have not been able to give... but this is all my issues not hers and i need to be nice bc i am turning into an unpleasant b****. it is hard for me to be around myself.

i have to turn in for the night. my head is so tired from a long work week. i hope you ladies are all doing well. love 

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changing

eliz28 | June 15, 2009 09:37

i am changing, i am truly growing. for the first time in a long while, i feel like i am healing and headed down the path where my goals can be reached. i am clearer and more motivated. there is an inner peace that is with me even during the hardest of moments. i am actually starting to believe, for the first time in my life, that i can do this thing called life. my food is still not perfect but i am ok with that, with all my imperfections. i am here, i am trying and that is pretty darn wonderful:)

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childrens art

eliz28 | June 12, 2009 08:19

blogging is not easy

recovery is not easy and most of the time seems near impossible 

i hate to look at myself in the mirror for i dislike what i see... am i seeing a clear picture or a distorted image which i have created over the years... am i slowly becoming that picture of distortion?

 the self hatred keeps a knockin

it is uncomfortable to do the exercises, i am crawling in my skin

unsatisfied, talent wasted... talent, what talent???

no one to love and no one to love me

yet here i am... here we all are, still giving it a go because deep down we know life is beautiful. it is not neat, its messy but it is still beautiful, like a childs painting. be like that child painting who holds no standard for that picture, let go, don't be afraid to color outside the lines or spill some paint and have fun.  

i have had years and years of it all and they keep piling up, never stopping. i can not stop time but i do have the power to stop the behaviors that make the time unbearable... we all do. this is a fact but we have to make the uncomfortably hard decision to put down food or what ever the vise of the moment is. 

my days have not been perfect. i am still bingeing and purging but not to the degree i was. the food is calling me at this very moment. how easy it would be to indulge but i am in bed and this is where i will stay. i know we can do this. day by day step by step. i am improving and i am happy with where i am. i know in my heart we will all find the happiness we deserve. 

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taking the steps

eliz28 | June 10, 2009 08:39

it is taking constant effort on my part but i am doing well. trying to keep a peaceful inner state, one that does not let the delusions run my day. my food is not great but i am being realistic and forgiving of myself. i am finding, the most difficult part is breaking the habit of eating during any spare, idle time. ed is not running my every moment, like it was for a while but the line is still being tested here and there. i am implementing positive practices into my routine to keep me moving away from ed, slowly slowly:) overall, i am feeling good!

being laid off from my job is a blessing but i have no idea what i should do next... india to study yoga (no money), greece to work at a tea shop (would not make much money 20 euros a day) or korea to teach and save money. maybe... greece, india and then korea. i could go to greece for the summer, go to india in oct for 2 months and then go to korea to teach. ahh, i don't know. i have big ideas:) it will be clearer soon.

 sweet dreams!

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words to share

eliz28 | June 08, 2009 09:09

just wanted to share this from the book i am reading, the art of happiness.

"you should never lose sight of the importance of having a realistic attitude - of being very sensitive and respectful to the concrete reality of your situation as you proceed on the path towards your ultimate goal. recognize the difficulties inherent in your path, and the fact that it may take time and consistent effort. it is important to make a clear distinction in your mind between your ideals and the standards by which you judge your process."

he goes on to use enlightenment as the ultimate expectation for a buddhist, as an example to this but says "using that as a standard instead of an ideal causes you to become discouraged and completely lose hope when you don't quickly achieve enlightenment."

this is so true. we are all making the steps toward recovery and we should be proud of ourselves, like we are for each other. i am sending our love and light to you all. you are in my thoughts and heart every step of the way. 

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advice please:)

eliz28 | June 07, 2009 09:46

so tonight i am going to change course and blog about love, friendship and the possibilities.

i received an email this morning from a friend of mine from when i lived in san diego. it has been a while since i last heard from him so his email was a bit of a surprise. i started my day off with a smile.

there was definitely some interest when we first met, on both sides. although, we have spent very little time together. this is due to the fact that during the time we met 2.5 years ago, i was dealing with my fathers mental break down and addiction. i could not be anything to anyone. i can not say i was a good friend to him but he tried to be one to me. he is one of the good guys; super nice, talented musician, adventurous, smart and happy... he was too positive for me at the time and i lost romantic interest fast. yet, i have wanted him in my life. at any rate, it was definitely not meant to be at the time, for our lives have traveled different roads since then. he has been living in germany for the last 2 years but has made an effort to remain in contact with me. so we continue to email for check ins and updates.

during the last 6 months i have thought a lot about him. thinking mostly of how i did not appreciate this great guy while i had the chance and how i would like to be with someone like him one day, if not him. i do not know what the future holds for my love life or any other area of my life for that matter. i am not even sure there would be any sparks beyond friendship if i did see him again. i know it is silly to read into things and make them more than they are but yet i still find myself wondering about our connection. 

my question to you, do i share some of my thoughts with him? do i ask if he is dating anyone... at some point with relationships to you have to take a jump for things to line up or do you just wait to see if the roads ever met again.

on a different note, i had a semi productive day today. my sister and i went on a hike this morning which was wonderful. it was my first time driving while doubled on a scooter but we made it safe. she had yet to go to the mountain so it was nice for me to take her. from the top of the trail we took you can see the ocean and a view of the whole city. after we had a sushi lunch, i painted my flower pot, practiced the guitar and sat around a bunch.

there is a school hiring near my house. i have an interview set up for next week but it is a little less money then i make now and i would have to sign another year contract. i am not sure i want to stay in taiwan for another whole year but i need work, for money is an issue right now. i don't know what to do or where to go... any advice???

ahh, how did it get so late. i am closing up and going to sleep. good night or enjoy your day, depending on where in the world you are!

all in all, it was a good sunday! 

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the unknown brings fear

eliz28 | June 05, 2009 20:36

ahh, i am starting to stress over the fact that in 2 months i will be unemployed and i have no financial stability. i am truly at peace with being laid off, as i believe it to be a sign that i am supposed to do something else, but what is the question...ahh! i have never worried about my potential to earn money or find work but with the world economy as it is, i have to be realistic and it is scary.  

yesterday, i did really well all day. then late last night, i slipped. it was a small one but a slip no less and i was sneaky, which i hate. i sat  in my room with the quick fix, cookies. i was able to stop myself from finishing them off, so for that i will give myself credit. my fears and concerns for the future got the best of me. it felt like too much to take on, like water was slowly filling my space and i was sinking.  the trust in myself and the universe just wasn't there last night. i have no idea what i want to do next. unfortunately, money is playing a huge factor in my decision and i am resisting that notion. 

today i woke up with the same feelings of fear and uncertainty but i am working on channeling those emotions to give me determination needed to get through. i also started studying my chinese characters which has proven to be a relaxing activity for me. i wrote 150 this morning and i still only have about 5 memorized... freakin hard language:) i am finding happiness today.

... but ahh the anxiety is powerful. i will use all my strength to hold on today. thank god i have the support of you all and my sisters. 

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today

eliz28 | June 04, 2009 08:58

 have been feeling so positive the last few days. i have not been without my urges and negative thinking but my will has been so strong. i am practicing inner discipline and using the tools i have learned when i feel ed a comin. i am reminding myself that everything in life takes work, no one is exempt from this. we don't just stop learning when we finish college, we don't just exercise for a month in order to stay healthy for a lifetime and we have to do our laundry on a regular basis. all areas of our take continuous effort on our part, why would dealing with ed be any different. to be honest, i had myself convinced for years i would one day wake up and it would be gone but this is not reality. i am discovering how ed has been a blessing for my life. you may think this sounds crazy but i truly believe this. because of ed i have become more compassionate for all others and i know that overcoming addiction and suffering takes a strong person, THIS IS ME.

 today i am healthy, today i accept sarah whole and i love. i love all which we share this beautiful life with.

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